As a kid, I never dreamed of a husband and a family. I dreamt of a rock star lifestyle. I was a frequent guest on the Mike Douglas show in my warped little t.v. mind, I was going to pedal my bicycle to Los Angeles to meet Henry Winkler. I left him for Keith Moon and we wrecked rooms together. I was 12.
By the time I was 14, I was harder. More influenced by Europeans like Edith Piaf, or the Sex Pistols, I dreamt of a life that was saturated and guided by art. Fine line drawings, absentmindedly dropped onto a coffee table, with a pack of Gitanes sitting on top, photography on the walls and a drink in my hand. I ate croissants and looked for the quirkiness in everything.
By the time I was 17, I was angry. I listened to the Clash and nothing else. And I was scared. I was waiting for the Russians to kill us all with a push of a finger.
That was many years ago. No kids and I'm a comedian. I've been on Howard Stern, I've wrecked rooms in many hotels, (though now I feel better if I don't make a mess for the maid to have to clean) My living room looks like museum, my friends are quirky as fuck, I've french-kissed Pete Townshend and have a photography portfolio. I have no family.
But I have a husband. He's my family. He's taking care of me. He's angry too. We play games. Like "who can despise more people?" But you need a lot of time to play that one.
So when you dream of something, remember-you will get it. Even if it's off one centimeter or a little warped, it's still what you need.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
JULY 9TH SHOW STAND UP NEW YORK 236 West 78th st NYC 212.595.0850
This is my birthday. This is the big time. My lord and saviour Bob DiBuono is letting me host and that means more Andrea Jarrette for the buck. I couldn't be more sincere when I thank all of you for properly calling in your reservations and doing this one lousy thing for me. I've always been there for my friends at the drop of a hat. Now, I will remind you all to think hard about returning the favors bestowed upon you by God for sending me into your life. Let's celebrate the glory that is me. The savory mouth feel of the words cunt, negroidian and vagumach. Together. And raise a glass to Bob and Lorraine for having me, and for looking at the babies hair.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I find it very uncomfortable to be around people that are super-observant because I'm so flawed.
I can fix that shit when I make $$$ but I'll probably spend the money on building luxury homes and boutique hotels for homeless felines and beautiful drugs instead.
Did I say drugs? I meant rugs. Seriously.
I can fix that shit when I make $$$ but I'll probably spend the money on building luxury homes and boutique hotels for homeless felines and beautiful drugs instead.
Did I say drugs? I meant rugs. Seriously.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
NEW SHOW ADDED!!!
Another opportunity to drink me in....
I AM HONORED TO PLAY CAROLINE'S
WEDNESDAY MAY 25, 2011
CAROLINE'S COMEDY CLUB
1626 BROADWAY AT 50TH
NYC 8PM
CALL 212.757.4100 TO RESERVE YOUR SPACE. THE SHOW IS CALLED "BOB DIBUONO'S CHARACTER FLAWED"
$15 + 2 DRINKS.
THIS IS MAJOR AND I NEED ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU CAN SPARE!!!
THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT
Thanks to Bob DiBuono!!!
I AM HONORED TO PLAY CAROLINE'S
WEDNESDAY MAY 25, 2011
CAROLINE'S COMEDY CLUB
1626 BROADWAY AT 50TH
NYC 8PM
CALL 212.757.4100 TO RESERVE YOUR SPACE. THE SHOW IS CALLED "BOB DIBUONO'S CHARACTER FLAWED"
$15 + 2 DRINKS.
THIS IS MAJOR AND I NEED ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU CAN SPARE!!!
THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT
Thanks to Bob DiBuono!!!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
A really big show!
ATTENTION FRIENDS, FANS AND THOSE WHO FEEL AMBIVALENT.....
IT'S MY BIG NIGHT-
I AM HONORED TO PLAY CAROLINE'S THIS WEDNESDAY APRIL 20TH
CAROLINE'S COMEDY CLUB
1626 BROADWAY AT 50TH
NYC 8PM
CALL 212.757.4100 TO RESERVE YOUR SPACE. THE SHOW IS CALLED "BOB DIBUONO'S CHARACTER FLAWED"
$15 + 2 DRINKS.
THIS IS MAJOR AND I NEED ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU CAN SPARE!!!
THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT
IT'S MY BIG NIGHT-
I AM HONORED TO PLAY CAROLINE'S THIS WEDNESDAY APRIL 20TH
CAROLINE'S COMEDY CLUB
1626 BROADWAY AT 50TH
NYC 8PM
CALL 212.757.4100 TO RESERVE YOUR SPACE. THE SHOW IS CALLED "BOB DIBUONO'S CHARACTER FLAWED"
$15 + 2 DRINKS.
THIS IS MAJOR AND I NEED ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU CAN SPARE!!!
THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Upcoming Appearances
Stand UpNew York
Wednesday, Feb 16th 8pm
236 W. 78th street @ broadway.
212-595-0850.
Please place reservations under my
name.
_________________________________
Stand up New York
Wed. March 9 8pm
236 W. 78th street @ broadway.
212-595-0850.
Please place reservations under my
name.
_______________________________________
Stand up New York
Wed. March 16 8pm
236 W. 78th street @ broadway.
212-595-0850. Please place reservations under my
name.
______________________________________
CAROLINES
Wed April 20
1626 Broadway @ 50th street
NYC
212.757.4100
Wednesday, Feb 16th 8pm
236 W. 78th street @ broadway.
212-595-0850.
Please place reservations under my
name.
_________________________________
Stand up New York
Wed. March 9 8pm
236 W. 78th street @ broadway.
212-595-0850.
Please place reservations under my
name.
_______________________________________
Stand up New York
Wed. March 16 8pm
236 W. 78th street @ broadway.
212-595-0850. Please place reservations under my
name.
______________________________________
CAROLINES
Wed April 20
1626 Broadway @ 50th street
NYC
212.757.4100
Monday, February 14, 2011
Dead Man's Bones
Dear Ryan Gosling,
I need your help! I think my bed sheets smell like chloroform. Could you take your pants off and check for me?
Love,
Andrea
I need your help! I think my bed sheets smell like chloroform. Could you take your pants off and check for me?
Love,
Andrea
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I had the immense displeasure of watching Oprah today, which is a pleasure in itself.
Today's theme: "Where are they now?"
Bo Derek, MC Hammer, & Pam Grier
Oprah. She combines know-it-all, new age hyperbole with the smell of 92 rotting crotches, encased in polyester pants.
Now, add Pam Grier talking about her previous boyfriends. The most controversial?
Richard Pryor.
The story she chose to share?
The high cocaine content (!?) in Richard Pryor's sperm and how it relates to her vagina.
"Oh, Oprah, I had to break up with him, he wouldn't wear a raincoat. I chose me."
Awwwwwww, let's get her a telethon.
Talk about crying with four loaves of bread under your arm.
Thanks for making everything about you. Personally, I would've gobbled the goo and hoped it sealed my lips shut.
Orca the douche sat there, with her batwings and droopy, tired eyes and her pompous celibate approach, trying to get her to be more graphic.
Jennifer and Richard Pryor have been a beacon of light for me personally, not to mention only band that matters in the comedy arena as well as founding www.pryorsplanet.com. I find this offensive to turn a families legacy into gossip fodder for ratings.
Richard tried hard enough to tarnish his legacy and HE couldn't.
Jennifer picked up the polishing cloth and hasn't stopped, not once. She's been keeping his memory alive, saving savagely abused animals and never running out of gas!
Who's on her show today? Moms Mabley and her pap smear results?
Today's theme: "Where are they now?"
Bo Derek, MC Hammer, & Pam Grier
Oprah. She combines know-it-all, new age hyperbole with the smell of 92 rotting crotches, encased in polyester pants.
Now, add Pam Grier talking about her previous boyfriends. The most controversial?
Richard Pryor.
The story she chose to share?
The high cocaine content (!?) in Richard Pryor's sperm and how it relates to her vagina.
"Oh, Oprah, I had to break up with him, he wouldn't wear a raincoat. I chose me."
Awwwwwww, let's get her a telethon.
Talk about crying with four loaves of bread under your arm.
Thanks for making everything about you. Personally, I would've gobbled the goo and hoped it sealed my lips shut.
Orca the douche sat there, with her batwings and droopy, tired eyes and her pompous celibate approach, trying to get her to be more graphic.
Jennifer and Richard Pryor have been a beacon of light for me personally, not to mention only band that matters in the comedy arena as well as founding www.pryorsplanet.com. I find this offensive to turn a families legacy into gossip fodder for ratings.
Richard tried hard enough to tarnish his legacy and HE couldn't.
Jennifer picked up the polishing cloth and hasn't stopped, not once. She's been keeping his memory alive, saving savagely abused animals and never running out of gas!
Who's on her show today? Moms Mabley and her pap smear results?
To all of the creepy, porno-mall girls.
No, I'm not a spring chicken. Luckily, I've looked around.
My best years may have been 30 years ago.
I remember how arrogant I was, too.
The kind of arrogance that jumps on your back until the day you feel like you actually have something to be proud of.
The kind of arrogance you wear like armor until the nicks of dead friends, bad health and dead end jobs chips away at it.
It feels like it was 28 minutes ago.
It's going to happen to you, too.
I was the same as you, but with a difference.
I can hear the clock ticking. My time's running out. I'm quite aware that I'm closer to the end than the beginning.
Has it been 30 years since we were there?
My heroes are dead. But at least I had some. Keith Moon, John Belushi, Joe Strummer.
Who do you have?
Rihanna and Chris Brown as a spectator sport?
The Kardashians?
Good.
You're too stupid to get mine.
I don't have any family, but when I did, we'd communicate at the Italian Sunday dinner table, not Facebook.
How's your box set of The Sopranos treating you?
Mornings where I'd head off to school repeating my mantra "Money, butts, brush, pen. money, brush, butts, pen. money, butts brush, pen. "
All the worldly possessions I'd need to get through the day.
No credit cards, no cell phones. No Fios, FB or fake tits for graduation.
Just my portable tape deck.
I was armed with the 1st Clash album on cassette, their words and chords were powerful, acting like vitamins, making me stronger and more fortified. All that stupid arrogance.
Can you get that from "Boom Boom Pow?"
Rushing past my grandmother, as if I had somewhere to really be, I'd catch her tidying up after her breakfast of one cup of Lipton tea and one english muffin with a faint amount of Imperial margarine and some orange marmalade.
She heads into the basement to iron her tablecloths.
She uses Niagra spray starch and refuses to compromise on this point.
She secretly defines what I think it means to be a lady and why I'm so grateful to Martha Stewart for keeping that idiotic household ADD alive.
Because I know how important that stuff is now.
Do you know that you have to nurture a man?
You do!
You know why?
Because you do.
Yeah, I was you. I had a concave stomach and beautiful tits.
Just like you.
However, when I was you, I dissected newspapers and books, magazines. I read Henry Miller and listened to Patti Smith.
I smoked to look more like the European.
I thought there was poetry in addiction.
Foreign film wasn't kryptonite, I sought it out.
I studied politics, looked up to Diana Nyad and listened to
Wanted: Richard Pryor till I knew where all the pops in the vinyl divided his bits into sub-segments.
I devoured books on photography.
I painted and cooked, sewed and sang. I would spend hours on end paging through the booklet that came with the album, Quadrophenia. I would listen to Pete belt out "I'm one"
I couldn't breathe. It was a song that I didn't want to hear, I NEEDED to hear.
It let me walk with my head high.
How's that Lady Gaga working for you? Getting your creepy on? You really are!!
Hey, answer a question...Oh, you can't because you have no opinions on anything but threading and extensions.
Even when I was you, I knew it took more than just showing up. You really need to get your hands dirty if you want to keep a memory strong.
Chiller Theatre and a night of the wet index finger in the back of the car. It was enough. One finger inside could make your head spin and get you through 5 days in school without ever getting bored once.
Those days weren't going to last. I wish I knew that, then.
As my body destroys itself, and my friends, lovers and tits drop like bowling pins, I get wittier.
And wearier.
Good.
To all of you vapid, creepy porno mall girls, stop pitying me.
You may have the iphone and youtube but @ 17 I had the Clash at Bond's, I lit John Belushi's cigarette at the first Blues Brothers show and and experiences with my friends that are still so vivid you could slice them up and serve them for dinner. I win.
And that's why I'm happy to be older than you.
So, you may want to take my advice. Make sure there's another reason for guy to send you a message.
You know, besides "r u up? Wanna c me L8tr??"
It could only lead to mouthwash.
It just doesn't matter in the long haul if things are going in your mouth but nothing of worth is coming out.
Examine what you love and know why you love it.
FORM AN OPINION! LOOK UP FROM YOUR PHONES!!! GET OFF YOUR KNEES AND GET TO A LIBRARY!!!! COMBINE COITUS WITH CULTURE. IT'LL WORK FOR YOU!
You can still be a cock-worshiping pain in the ass.
But stop the Pseudo-dyke performance horse shit.
It only works if you mean it and if you don't, it's just annoying to be around when it's over. Especially if the Black Eyed Peas were playing in the backround when you asked "Can I use your computer for a sec? I gotta check my fb. Ugh.
Remember the old joke...
You don't pay a prostitute to fuck you, you pay her to leave.
My best years may have been 30 years ago.
I remember how arrogant I was, too.
The kind of arrogance that jumps on your back until the day you feel like you actually have something to be proud of.
The kind of arrogance you wear like armor until the nicks of dead friends, bad health and dead end jobs chips away at it.
It feels like it was 28 minutes ago.
It's going to happen to you, too.
I was the same as you, but with a difference.
I can hear the clock ticking. My time's running out. I'm quite aware that I'm closer to the end than the beginning.
Has it been 30 years since we were there?
My heroes are dead. But at least I had some. Keith Moon, John Belushi, Joe Strummer.
Who do you have?
Rihanna and Chris Brown as a spectator sport?
The Kardashians?
Good.
You're too stupid to get mine.
I don't have any family, but when I did, we'd communicate at the Italian Sunday dinner table, not Facebook.
How's your box set of The Sopranos treating you?
Mornings where I'd head off to school repeating my mantra "Money, butts, brush, pen. money, brush, butts, pen. money, butts brush, pen. "
All the worldly possessions I'd need to get through the day.
No credit cards, no cell phones. No Fios, FB or fake tits for graduation.
Just my portable tape deck.
I was armed with the 1st Clash album on cassette, their words and chords were powerful, acting like vitamins, making me stronger and more fortified. All that stupid arrogance.
Can you get that from "Boom Boom Pow?"
Rushing past my grandmother, as if I had somewhere to really be, I'd catch her tidying up after her breakfast of one cup of Lipton tea and one english muffin with a faint amount of Imperial margarine and some orange marmalade.
She heads into the basement to iron her tablecloths.
She uses Niagra spray starch and refuses to compromise on this point.
She secretly defines what I think it means to be a lady and why I'm so grateful to Martha Stewart for keeping that idiotic household ADD alive.
Because I know how important that stuff is now.
Do you know that you have to nurture a man?
You do!
You know why?
Because you do.
Yeah, I was you. I had a concave stomach and beautiful tits.
Just like you.
However, when I was you, I dissected newspapers and books, magazines. I read Henry Miller and listened to Patti Smith.
I smoked to look more like the European.
I thought there was poetry in addiction.
Foreign film wasn't kryptonite, I sought it out.
I studied politics, looked up to Diana Nyad and listened to
Wanted: Richard Pryor till I knew where all the pops in the vinyl divided his bits into sub-segments.
I devoured books on photography.
I painted and cooked, sewed and sang. I would spend hours on end paging through the booklet that came with the album, Quadrophenia. I would listen to Pete belt out "I'm one"
I couldn't breathe. It was a song that I didn't want to hear, I NEEDED to hear.
It let me walk with my head high.
How's that Lady Gaga working for you? Getting your creepy on? You really are!!
Hey, answer a question...Oh, you can't because you have no opinions on anything but threading and extensions.
Even when I was you, I knew it took more than just showing up. You really need to get your hands dirty if you want to keep a memory strong.
In 1978 I was fifteen.
My friend Liz and I were so excited for "Aerosmith: live Bootleg" but we only had enough money for one copy. It was a double album, so we took one disc each, for three days each. It was an amazing six days. I can listen to those songs now and smell the air in the room, thick with our adrenaline. It was enough.
Do you know what that feels like?
When I was you, I stayed at the Chelsea. $29
How's that Spa day at the Sheraton Crossroads leaving its mark on your Amex?
Get a free shower cap?
Good.
Summers in Montauk, cbgb's in the fall and Patti talks to me about Keith Moon's death. With eye contact and everything. I drank blackberry brandy and planned to kill hotel rooms in tribute to Keith, which I lovingly obligedWhen I was you, I stayed at the Chelsea. $29
How's that Spa day at the Sheraton Crossroads leaving its mark on your Amex?
Get a free shower cap?
Good.
Chiller Theatre and a night of the wet index finger in the back of the car. It was enough. One finger inside could make your head spin and get you through 5 days in school without ever getting bored once.
Those days weren't going to last. I wish I knew that, then.
As my body destroys itself, and my friends, lovers and tits drop like bowling pins, I get wittier.
And wearier.
Good.
To all of you vapid, creepy porno mall girls, stop pitying me.
You may have the iphone and youtube but @ 17 I had the Clash at Bond's, I lit John Belushi's cigarette at the first Blues Brothers show and and experiences with my friends that are still so vivid you could slice them up and serve them for dinner. I win.
And that's why I'm happy to be older than you.
So, you may want to take my advice. Make sure there's another reason for guy to send you a message.
You know, besides "r u up? Wanna c me L8tr??"
It could only lead to mouthwash.
It just doesn't matter in the long haul if things are going in your mouth but nothing of worth is coming out.
Examine what you love and know why you love it.
FORM AN OPINION! LOOK UP FROM YOUR PHONES!!! GET OFF YOUR KNEES AND GET TO A LIBRARY!!!! COMBINE COITUS WITH CULTURE. IT'LL WORK FOR YOU!
You can still be a cock-worshiping pain in the ass.
But stop the Pseudo-dyke performance horse shit.
It only works if you mean it and if you don't, it's just annoying to be around when it's over. Especially if the Black Eyed Peas were playing in the backround when you asked "Can I use your computer for a sec? I gotta check my fb. Ugh.
Remember the old joke...
You don't pay a prostitute to fuck you, you pay her to leave.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I'm moving to the tropics, FUCK THE SNOW!!!
I smell the smoke from a million Kool cigarettes, the exhaust from my mom's Pontiac, and I'm staring at a vague residue of afro sheen on the head rest. The Delfonics are playing in mono on the radio. It's summer 1970 in my head right now. I think I'm having a mental white-out. MOMMY!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Sat. 1/29
Do you ever have one of those days, when you look into
the mirror and think, "DIE, YOU SCUMMY PIECE OF
DUNG, YOU BULL-DYKE LOOKING, FAT FAILURE! YOU
DON'T DESERVE TO SNIFF THE POLLUTED AIR AND EVEN
THE STRAY ANIMALS YOU FEED THINK YOU SUCK!!!" ?
Neither do I.
the mirror and think, "DIE, YOU SCUMMY PIECE OF
DUNG, YOU BULL-DYKE LOOKING, FAT FAILURE! YOU
DON'T DESERVE TO SNIFF THE POLLUTED AIR AND EVEN
THE STRAY ANIMALS YOU FEED THINK YOU SUCK!!!" ?
Neither do I.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Stand Up New York
I'm returning to Stand Up New York
Wed. 2/16
8pm
236 W. 78th at B'way
212.595.0850
$15 + 2 drink minimum
Thursday, January 20, 2011
UPCOMING SHOWS
CAROLINE'S WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 26, 2011 9:30 SHOW
APPEARING WITH BOB DI BUONO, JUDY GOLD, GODFREY.
1626 BROADWAY AT 50TH STREET NYC
212.757.4100
APPEARING WITH BOB DI BUONO, JUDY GOLD, GODFREY.
1626 BROADWAY AT 50TH STREET NYC
212.757.4100
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
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