Philip Seymour Hoffman

Philip Seymour Hoffman was one of the greatest actors that ever lived.
Actors allow us to transport from our daily lives and escape to another place, comforting us, disturbing us, making us laugh, making us feel things that we can apply to our own lives. That's why they're important if they're good.

From the moment I first watched his work, I knew that he was going to elevate everything he did, whether it was important work like Magnolia or drivel like Twister. He always saved the day.

Yes, I met him, yes, he was kinder than most, happy, lovely and generous. That's the way I remember him. I feel blessed for the experience.

Now, people who hide behind their computers pass judgement and say he deserved what happened, he had a choice. These are people who have no concept of heroin addiction. Using heroin the first time is a choice. Every time after that is a visceral calling. Imagine your first orgasm and choosing to never feel that again.
Now, times that feeling by infinity. You're getting close.

My show this Saturday, July 14th has been 

postponed until August due to illness.

Stay Tuned.....

It's the self-aggrandizing people who stomp their feet the hardest that make no impression on me.

For this and other observations, I'll be appearing at... 

Stand Up New York
Saturday July 14th at 5pm
236 West 78th Street
$15 + 2 drinks

I haven't been on stage since the end of February. I haven't worked in a year and a half. I'm sick physically, head filled with 1,000 details but my legs won't move. I'm scared and yet enjoying the calm before the storm. She's in Sacramento and headed due east. ViVa Desiree'!!! I need her as much as she needs me. Who needs a bloodline when you have an invisible umbilical cord connecting friends together? I wouldn't trade her passion and strength for anything.  Some friends are for fun and laughter but this bitch is for that and so much more. We're changing lives. Each others. 

My husband's turning 40!!!

Mike turns 40 and on February 18th  5 pm we will be celebrating at STand Up New York
236 west 78th street NYC
This will be an amazing show and there is no better person on the planet...so celebrate this holy day!
See you there!!!

God gives with one hand and takes with the other

As a kid, I never dreamed of a husband and a family. I dreamt of a rock star lifestyle. I was a frequent guest on the Mike Douglas show in my warped little t.v. mind, I was going to pedal my bicycle to Los Angeles to meet Henry Winkler. I left him for Keith Moon and we wrecked rooms together. I was 12.
By the time I was 14, I was harder. More influenced by Europeans like Edith Piaf, or the Sex Pistols, I dreamt of a life that was saturated and guided by art. Fine line drawings, absentmindedly dropped onto a coffee table, with a pack of Gitanes sitting on top, photography on the walls and a drink in my hand. I ate croissants and looked for the quirkiness in everything.
By the time I was 17, I was angry. I listened to the Clash and nothing else. And I was scared. I was waiting for the Russians to kill us all with a push of a finger.


That was many years ago. No kids and I'm a comedian. I've been on Howard Stern, I've wrecked rooms in many hotels, (though now I feel better if I don't make a mess for the maid to have to clean) My living room looks like  museum, my friends are quirky as fuck, I've french-kissed Pete Townshend and have a photography portfolio. I have no family.
But I have a husband. He's my family. He's taking care of me. He's angry too.  We play games. Like "who can despise more people?" But you need a lot of time to play that one.
So when you dream of something, remember-you will get it. Even if it's off one centimeter or a little warped, it's still what you need.

JULY 9TH SHOW STAND UP NEW YORK 236 West 78th st NYC 212.595.0850

This is my birthday. This is the big time. My lord and saviour Bob DiBuono is letting me host and that means more Andrea Jarrette for the buck. I couldn't be more sincere when I thank all of you for properly calling in your reservations and doing this one lousy thing for me. I've always been there for my friends at the drop of a hat. Now, I will remind you all to think hard about returning the favors bestowed upon you by God for sending me into your life. Let's celebrate the glory that is me. The savory mouth feel of the words cunt, negroidian and vagumach. Together. And raise a glass to Bob and Lorraine for having me, and for looking at the babies hair.